Photo by Jun Michael Park
MV Sewolby Melanie Hyo-In HanThis poem is best experienced on desktop.
I.
✴ on the days I miss you so much a nail in my heart i go to feel your presence even through the cold urn if i had known that you’d leave my side so early ✴ if i had known that i would never hold you in my arms again i would’ve made sure you’d been happier all i have now is regret with you buried in my heart i chew on memories survive each day looking at your picture ✴ my beloved son i count down the days until i can be with you again II.
✴ my dearest i long to see you i long to see you i long to see you even right after i have already seen you it is getting harder to see you even in my dreams i desperately hope i see you tonight i beg don’t be faint like a mirage i beg ✴ don’t disappear so quickly i beg come and hug me hug me so tight that every single bone in my body shatters please just come and hug me i will go quickly fall asleep to meet you ✴ let’s together you and me travel in my dreams i promise to buy you pretty clothes take lots of pictures eat delicious foods talk until our throats are raspy ✴ everything you my darling daughter and i can do we will do i’ve loved you so deeply i still love you i’ll love you forever III.
✴ it has been 3 years 9 months 23 days and another 1394 days since you’ve left me how dull how colorless become part of my daily routine to count the days you’ve been gone how can i forget that day the day you were taken from me i won’t be able to forget until i die ✴ your excitement getting ready for the school field trip bought new clothes to look nice in photos packing eager to leave ✴ there’s not a single thing i don’t remember before you left the house you hugged me told me you’d come back home with the most famous chocolate from jeju island ✴i still cherish the warmth of your body IV.
✴ when life gets exhausting chaotic i realize i haven’t thought of you in a while i get filled with unfathomable sadness futility of life comes rushing ✴ am i really a mother who has lost her son can i continue living like this filled with guilt and shame ✴ i have thought countless times that it would be better if i just followed you ✴ but then i think of your brother and sisters remind myself that i have to live on if you notice me from heaven not thinking about you from time to time i wonder if you might feel disappointed in me as your mother but then i realize you always put your family first those are the thoughts that help me survive V.
✴ your birthday is coming up soon soon after your birthday comes that day the day you left us around this time of year ✴ i can’t get a grip on myself who can understand complicated sorrowful heart of mine i still cannot eat the food we ate on your last birthday with us some may wonder what the big deal about food may be but for me whenever i see those dishes i remember all the laughter we shared around the table the conversation we had ✴ i still can’t eat when can i accept those memories as something of the past VI.
✴ 3 years ago on that day as i held your cold lifeless body and even after i’d buried you i couldn’t mourn peacefully only once the bodies of your friends your teachers others who are still trapped under the sea have been recovered once we’ve prosecuted the unfairness of your death can i let go and really cry ✴ i’m eternally disappointed in this reality i have to step on eggshells even at the face of my own child’s death there are people who are unhappy about these court cases people who are sick of it ✴ i cannot let your death go to waste thinking about you watching me from heaven i cannot give up only then will i be able to laugh on the day that i reunite with you the only way i can be with you nowadays is to go to the place you have already turned to ashes until i see you again i hope you are happy in heaven fulfilling every dream every wish you weren’t able to fulfill here on earth please please remain my child forever i love you my son VII.
✴ my little chickadee every day there must be a gorgeous spring day filled with sunshine the scent of flower blossoms i trust that up there it’s a beautiful spring day unlike the cold day down here where you must’ve been scared and in pain you live on ✴ on April 16, 2014 you were 18 years old now your younger brother has graduated from high school about to start university if life had been normal you would be 22 years old right now be a graduating senior at the seoul institute of the arts camera in hand running towards your dreams of becoming a director ✴ this reality in which i can neither celebrate you nor your brother wholeheartedly miserable there will be many things in the future to celebrate but with each of these my heart contains the yin and the yang making me want to avoid reality altogether VIII.
✴ i had vowed to bring justice to what happened the unfairness of how you were torn away from me but the 4th anniversary of your death approaches and nothing has been resolved the only thing that has changed is the arrival of the cherry blossoms that have burst open like kernels of popcorn dyeing the streets white ✴ my heart aches my dearest daughter i’m sorry i’m sorry i couldn’t protect you i’m sorry i still haven’t been able to reveal the truth i’m sorry that you weren’t able to be returned to me that you’re still stuck in that foreign place the 4.16 memorial park continues to be held up ✴ it’s ripping my heart to shreds they keep telling us parents to be patient to be silent ✴ i pray you can help us from heaven give us hope to continue moving forward not give up
In 2022, he became the first South Korean photographer to be named a National Geographic Explorer for his project on the Korea National Park Service’s pioneering Asian moon bear restoration program.
Web: junmichaelpark.com, IG: @junmichaelpark |
